I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
