I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize