she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
