I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
