You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Please don't give away my fajitas
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
