dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize