I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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