Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
