I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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