My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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