It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
