i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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