I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Come on in and take your pants off
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