if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
