i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
