my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
