I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
