we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
