That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
