Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
