If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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