But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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