There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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