the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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