the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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