It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We need to get me chipped asap
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
