New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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