"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize