i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
