i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
