If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
