I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
