I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
