Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He better not be in your backpack
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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