It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
