I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
