you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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