I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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