she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
