Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
