No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
