even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
