I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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