i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize