I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
