I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
