I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
