is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
