She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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