the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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