I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
