the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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