they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
