either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
