there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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