Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
